I was born into a "neutral" family in terms of relationship. In a sense that I did, and do, have good relationship with my parents and kid brother, but not that close to the extent that I can confide in about my ups and downs.

When I was in my mid and late 20s, I had a lot of arguments with Dad. Mostly about me being ignorant to cleaning my own room, which according to him had to be spotless. Mind you, he did all the cleaning of the house because nobody could clean it the way he would want to. I tried to negotiate and told him that there are two types of women: homemakers and moneymakers. I am the second. I said I would make enough money to pay for somebody to clean my room and he wouldn't have to worry about it. He flatly declined :) He said having somebody doing things that I can do is a waste of opportunities to learn doing something that will be useful for me in the future. At that time I thought, "Heck, effin reason".

Mom is always the middle person. She understands completely what her husband had in mind about teaching his daughter to be a homemaker, as well as she does her daughter being the generation that doesn't wanna be disturbed by all the chores. Wehenever dad inspected my messy room, she would be the one he got mad to. This slowly built a sort of barrier in my relationship with him. I kept telling him if it had been my mistake why would he be mad at her?

In most of the times, however, we could be a very warm family. I was free to tease both my parents to the level where would laugh out loud. So was my brother.

When my dad started to get sick, it was a shocking reminder to me. I made a promise that I would be better if only God would grant him recovery. I would change to be whatever he would want me to be if he recovered.

God determines otherwise. Dad passed away after three months of never recovering fully. It was short, as he always wished. He breathed his last breathe in our hands, in my bedroom, as he always wished. Leaving me histerical inside. Yes, nobody knows how deep the wound there is in me now. A gaping hole.

Now it's me and mom. I can tell you that there's nothing I won't do for her. Our relationship is as normal as a mother-daughter relationship could be. But we are closer now that we have lost the man we love.

I'm not going to waste any second to do the best for her. I know what she really wants for now that I still can't give her. And my mouth is always numb everytime I feel the urge to apologize for that.

Mom, you know I'll give you whatever you want including that one. If only I could turn back the time. I just wish you could understand why that is still not happening right now.

Hey man,

I gotta admit that you threw me dip into the pit of shit the last time. I was careless and got away in the game. You have to know, though, that this time I am not going to fall into the same whole again. I know my limits. It's your loss. Enjoy your game :)